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Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012, 08:12 am
Flying Death Robots That Spray Candy Out Of Their Chests

Remember: It's The Onion. That means it's only satire. So far.

What would your robot minions be capable of? Keep it PG-13, please. I'll only admit that mine would very strongly resemble AF709, but with an Asia Carrera mode. And she'd like gaming -- especially Munchkin.

This entry was originally posted at http://filkertom.dreamwidth.org/1499526.html. You may comment there or here, although LJ tends to have a livelier conversation at this time.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 12:33 pm (UTC)

I'd be happy with my very own robot Smithers (or, if you are a Gargoyles fan, Owen Burnett). A robot that can pretty much do all the little things for you so you can focus on the big things.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 12:34 pm (UTC)

Mine would scoop cat boxes.

That's about it. I'd be good with that. Maybe clean floors.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 12:50 pm (UTC)

I'd build Femme-bots, or gynoids, equipped with an Orgasmatronic pleasure ray. They'd be about 4ft tall, and cute as well, in an animie school-girl way.

Psychological warfare you see. The way I figure it, people wouldn't want to fight them, and if they did they'd end up so conflicted after a quick burst of the pleasure ray, that they wouldn't be able to fight.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 01:15 pm (UTC)

Well obviously they are death robots because they give people diabetes...

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 01:38 pm (UTC)

I'd go with your "basic pleasure model"

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 01:52 pm (UTC)

My robot minions are covered with lights and the centurian model boasts shoulder mounted PA speakers and a DJ booth. They wander the Earth looking for populations in need of a good party. Then together with the 101st airborne flying keg squadron, they surround a population center and blast it with music, rave lights and booze until the humans are less cranky.

I'm credited with stopping WW3 at some point...

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 02:20 pm (UTC)

I'd have one do basic cleaning around the house. One would be a personal assistant that would hover near me and be thought controlled. The rest would have brain-reading sensors and a fact-checking program and follow politicians and pundits and preachers around correcting them when they make "mistakes".

And just to be nice, one for each police officer to record their actions, scan for danger, be a remote watchman, and block bullets (incoming not outgoing). The goal would be to protect police officers from criminals and protect the rest of us from abuses of law enforcement.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 03:08 pm (UTC)

My robot minions would be able to gaze deep into the very souls of those they encountered, and administer noogies where needed.

Even the most hard-bitten criminals and politicians would eventually learn how to avoid robot noogies. If not -- we proceed to the Atomic Wedgies.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 04:19 pm (UTC)

Well, if I have robot minions, I should be able to afford a plane for them, so I'll make sure they're all able to fly and maintain the airplane. One or two of them should be designed to pass for human.

Beyond that? Digging wells. Purchasing and donating goats. Self-defense. Disaster relief.

The primary goal is improving the world in sustainable ways. Nothing that depends on my minions being around to repair things if they break.

While they're doing that, I'll work on the robots that will conquer the world. Doctor Doom did it backwards, I think; he conquered a broken world, then he was in the position of being asked to fix everything. Is it any surprise he hesitated when the Avengers were about to win? No, if I have robot minions, I'm going to do it right; fix the world, then take over.

Thu, Mar. 15th, 2012 06:21 pm (UTC)

What do you mean "would?"

My robot minions, I show you them:

Robot orchestra above

Fri, Mar. 16th, 2012 12:49 am (UTC)

My robot minions would be a hive mind of nanites, able to reshape itelf, separate into smaller masses, or spread out across a floor to clean it all at once. In other words, it would be a .liquid metal minion, a la T1000 but with better programming...

Fri, Mar. 16th, 2012 04:07 am (UTC)

I'd want small simple-AI robots that turn into useful things, akin to the Memory Gadgets in Kamen Rider W.