Tue, Aug. 7th, 2012, 03:44 pm One For The Fangirls (Now With A Third Verse!)
(to the tune of "Be Prepared" by Tom Lehrer)
Coulson Lives! That’s the Avengers fangirls’ song, Coulson lives, Even Whedon got it wrong, Loki stabbed him through the chest with that big knife, But somehow it managed not to take his life.
Coulson lives, SHIELD’s medics were in time, Coulson lives, If they weren’t, t’would be a crime, It turned out that Loki only stabbed a Coulson LMD, Doing roughly the same damage as an arrow in the knee, Plus he’s routing WiFi right through Loki’s shiv, Coulson lives!
Coulson lives! That’s the fangirls’ solemn creed, Coulson lives, For his presence there’s much need, Captain Rogers must sign Phil’s trading card stash, Not to mention all that Barton/Coulson slash.
Loki was pwned, All he impaled was thin air, Phil was cloned, Or he wasn’t even there, He’s in Portland with that cellist, or in Bangkok or Beirut, He’s like Carmen San Diego with a better looking suit We could throw him off a hundred thousand cliffs, Coulson lives!
Coulson lives, He was gone but he’s returned, He was fragged, But another life he’s earned, Reincarnated, or brain stored in a jar, Or his voice will play through Tony Stark’s new car,
He’ll come back, as Grey Phoenix one fine dawn, Or as SHIELD’s top-ranked Zombie liaison, Maybe he rules some dimension filled with fantasy cliches, Or Galactus goes through heralds like Pete Parker through Aunt Mays So if you see all that fic and say, “What gives?” Coulson lives!
With me, at least, it was his turn at the end of Iron Man that first intrigued me. Only on screen for a minute, but I liked his style enough to hope that he'd be back in IM2, which he was. And then they had the short films with him on the Blu-Rays (fortunately one of them has been uploaded to YouTube), and his prominent role in Thor. So seeing him show up early on in The Avengers was just a great moment. And his character was still made of awesome -- the best description I've seen of him is from actor Clark Gregg himself, who said the key to playing Coulson is, "Be calm, but on the brink of great violence."
And then (no spoiler by this point) he got killed.
That said, I always thought Carmen Sandiego's outfit was well put together (on the animated series, at least). Were I you, I'd keep an eye on the local Michigan geography and make sure I had the ACME Detective Agency's phone number on speed dial....
In fairness, though, with this particular insta-drama-gimmick, it wasn't Whedon's call. Kevin Feige's on record as having told Joss to do it, and Joss was like... okay, but you'll have to tell people it was your idea, because everyone is going to hate me.